How to Kill your Volunteer Board

(Please note that this is satire and in no way is a comment about any of the volunteer organizations I work with or for. I'm very blessed to know the very finest volunteers in the world and volunteer on the best boards a volunteer could ever wish for. Volunteering is a very enriching job, sometimes a thankless job a necessary job and whoever has ever volunteered for anything ever can probably identify and laugh at the points I'm making below. It's satire. So to my hardest working friends, this is not aimed AT you, but created for your harmless enjoyment!) 

How to Kill your Board

First of all, recognize that these volunteers have nothing else going on in their life. Which is why they volunteer. No jobs, careers, families, friends or hobbies.

Next thing you’re going to want to do is make sure you are very vocal about the short comings you think they have. Whether it’s a lack of time, or if their project or idea has anything you disagree with or any flaws you think they or their project might have. The more vocal you are about it, the better. This is especially effective if you aren’t directly involved in the project. Tell as many people as you can, telling everyone behind their back before telling them to their face everything that is wrong. If you could have done a better job, definitely include that, but don’t actually step up to help with the project next time. Or say you will, but never be available when the time comes to actually do the work. Don’t find out all the information before talking about it. Definitely don’t bring up your viewpoint to the individual or group in a non threatening manner. Just talk openly about them in their presence, and know that they can hear you.

What you’ll want to do next after criticizing them and their project is swamping them with tons of emails and phone calls about your project, idea or how to improve themselves for the future. If they are not volunteering, they are spending their time wishing they could be volunteering, so they welcome all phone calls and emails, even into the wee hours of the night. Make the correct assumption that YOUR passion is also THEIR passion and they would be more than happy to put all of their free time into whatever you want them to, all while criticizing how they go about doing it. If they tell you they aren’t currently working on your project, or don’t want to work on their project, please act as shocked as possible and attempt to guilt them into working on your project. If they say no, convince them to say yes. A person saying no is just a person who hasn’t said yes yet. If they say they don’t have the time, please know they are being bashful. Of course they have time, they have no life, family or hobbies.

Please don’t ever volunteer your time. You are not a professional at this! They are, and they would be incredibly hurt if you ever stepped up to help or volunteer yourself. If something goes wrong or is executed poorly, please be sure to let them know that you ‘told them so’. Because you did. They should learn from that.

Whatever you do, please ensure that you don’t thank the volunteer committee or individuals. Remember the first point from above? They have no job, family or hobby, this is what they live for! Just working for free is thanks enough. Especially don’t thank the president. The president is not a volunteer and gets paid much more than you for doing what they do and have a team of professionals guiding them the whole way. They don’t want or need your thanks. They do, however, like your criticism. Again, be as vocal as possible and tell as many people as you can about the things the president should do better. The president loves criticism and won’t take any feedback the wrong way. There is no chance the president will take this to heart and feel bad. And don’t thank the executive. It’s not like they put in several more hours than non-executive members in planning meetings, executive meetings, fundraising meetings, committee meetings. And even if they did put in many more hours, they have no life or job or family or hobbies, so all additional work is their fun time. And if you give them criticism, be vocal about it, as they love criticism as much as the president does! 

Finally, if you do ALL the above items and a volunteer actually leaves the club, be sure to let everyone else know that you didn’t think they were committed anyway. If after all this hard work, the project no longer exists, or the organization has fallen apart, time to congratulate yourself for a job well done - you've earned it! Be proud!

Still Practicing

Welcome to my newest blog! I've tread down the blog path before, posting on a very specific topic. Crafts. Print Shop. Furries. Wait, not that one. (anymore...) But in order to practice my craft of writing, and trying to keep the habit daily - just like you should exercise daily - I figured a blog to post my random stories, ideas, observations would be the best thing. I mean who has time to CRAFT these days, let alone document it and blog about it? Not me. So join me on my journey of random thoughts while I discover my life. Learn how to slow down. Balance work and life. Be a mom of a teenage girl. Learn how to love exercise, and do it daily, learn how to meditate, learn how to forgive and let go. I don't think any of us are experts. We're all pretending. We're all making it up as we go. I know I am. This life thing is hard and I'm still practicing.